By Dan Tobin

WHEN THE BUGGLES launched MTV by declaring that video killed the radio star, I wasn’t ready for it. I was only five, and an uncool five. I didn’t know James Brown from James Taylor from James Hetfield, I relied on my next-door neighbor to inform me if Michael Jackson was awesome or gay that week, and I thought Boy George was just a colorful chap.

By junior high, MTV had become my primary source for music to the exclusion of radio. When my mom saw a Poison video with one too many bikini girls and banned MTV from our household, I panicked that I’d never know what was popular and never have friends. Radio was simply no longer an option.

Two decades later, MTV has branded itself to the point that my generation is named after it. Of course, today’s MTV is different than the one Martha Quinn hosted, and I’ve added it to the list of things that were so much better back in the day. For instance, Music Television used to play music videos. And better videos. But I wondered, was I perhaps inflating the “genius” of A-ha? I’d been waxing poetic about WKRP in Cincinnati until I actually watched an old episode. Was I was unfairly dismissing modern music videos in favor of so-called “classics” that were as dated as Dr. Johnny Fever?

Luckily nostalgia’s a multi-million dollar business these days, and MTV Networks leads the charge. And so, watching a few VH1 I Love the ’80s specials and an hour or two of videos from the ’70s and ’80s on VH1 Classic cleared everything up for me. Not only were videos better 20 years ago, pop culture as a whole was better. Or rather, it’s worse now, and music videos are a decent barometer of just how bad things have become.

I blame Michael Jackson. Of course “Billie Jean” introduced story to videos, and “Thriller” elevated the medium to an art form, but the MTV Video Vanguard Award is named after Michael Jackson for a reason, and he should be held accountable for the problems he created, too. Today’s videos are too polished and take themselves too seriously. That’s true of most pop culture in 2004, but it was Michael who introduced these characteristics to videos. “Thriller” was overblown, but it had a sense of humor: “No one dead (or undead) was harmed in the making of this.”

An album later, Michael underwent surgery to lighten his skin, narrow his nose, and eliminate his sense his humor. The ten-minute black and white prelude to “Bad,” directed by Martin Scorsese – Martin Scorsese! – leads to a sneering Michael proclaiming he’s bad, he’s bad, you know it. He’s got a leather jacket, he grabs his crotch, and he’s backed up by street toughs. There had been gangs in Michael Jackson videos before, but they fought with choreographed dance routines. They dance in “Bad,” but they also push Wesley Snipes.

I’m not a video historian, and I can't say for certain that “Bad” was the first video to take itself too seriously tonally. But suddenly it didn’t seem like a band rocking out playing their instruments was going to cut it any more. When Michael raised the bar again on “Black and White” and “Remember the Time” with cutting-edge computer effects, celebrity cameos, and premieres on network television, the damage was already done. Any video with a million-dollar budget has to take itself seriously. Otherwise, why spend a million? Of course these days, the million dollar videos ARE the cheap ones.

A HIT RECORD TODAY takes a catchy song, a photogenic artist, a good Web site, appearances on Leno and Letterman, a guest spot on TRL, well-coordinated magazine stories, and possibly a scandal. And as Bill and Ted will tell you, you need a triumphant video. MTV may never have been an artists’ colony, but it wasn’t always the big business it is today. It seemed like a lot more fun when nobody knew what was going on. I remember watching a short-lived local video channel called V-66 and not understanding it, wondering if the radio was somehow choosing pictures to put on TV. And I remember MTV taking chances, handing the controls to Weird Al for a night, just because.

When videos weren’t yet part of the gigantic publicity machine, they weren’t always in the budget. Robert Palmer didn’t have much for “Addicted to Love,” just a room, a tie ... he couldn’t even afford bras for the models. And it’s a classic, every bit as good as you remember. A few years later, when MTV had become the advertising juggernaut it is today, Palmer made a big-budget version of the same video for “Simply Irresistible.” He wears a full suit, the camera whips around, and the models behind him not only have bras but push-up bras. The production values are better, but the magic is gone. It was there when Tone Loc remade “Addicted to Love” on a lower budget. Significantly worse acting from the models, no suit or tie, no proper background, shot on a grainy black and white camcorder, and yet “Wild Thing” knocked out “We Are the World” as the biggest-selling single ever at the time.

But “Wild Thing” would never cut it today, not with the slick epics that even the newest and worst bands crank out. Neither would David Lee Roth’s notoriously bad lip-syncing. What about all those ZZ Top videos with the hotrod full of hot chicks who turn shlubs into Cinderellas, the dudes with huge beards mysteriously appearing to hand over the keys? That would be too goofy now. Same with the Atari 2600 animation of “Money for Nothing.” It was bad animation in 1987, but Michael Jackson hadn’t yet morphed his dancers into each other in 1987. Videos didn’t cause the age of irony, but they certainly didn’t benefit from it. Duran Duran looked like they were having fun. Cyndi Lauper and Captain Lou Albano did a whole video about wanting to have fun. 50 Cent doesn’t know what fun is.

MTV set the agenda, but the people accepted it. And every time audiences flock to a Jerry Bruckheimer special effects bonanza, entertainers get the message that bigger, slicker, more expensive is better. How easily we forget that Jaws was great for NOT showing the shark. When you don’t have the technology, you have to rely on things like story-telling and writing. What kind of special effects did Aerosmith use to battle Run DMC in the perfect “Walk This Way” video? What camera tricks did Devo use in their weird and wonderful “Whip It” and “Satisfaction” videos? Are they really so much worse than Jay-Z on a yacht doing …whatever it is he does?

WHAT VIDEOS DO PEOPLE LIKE NOW? People love OutKast, and I give them credit for having fun, but they’re as guilty as anyone of overproduction and a cookie-cutter look. The Darkness are fun but inconsequential. I guess if Oasis are geniuses for aping The Beatles, then the Darkness are great for making Def Leppard videos. Sort of. Britney? Middle-period Madonna with the “look of today.” Eminem has a sense of humor but not a sense of fun. Too many demons, not to mention a style that looks like everything else. The super-quick editing that put MTV on the map makes me seasick, and smacks of someone who has something to hide. Some of the charm of old videos is in their simplicity. But with innocence lost, I’m not sure we can go back.

Of course, videos hardly matter any more. My musical tastes have shifted toward genres where they just don’t make videos. I’m not against pop music, but I am against Justin Timberlake. And let’s not forget that no matter how pretty the visuals are, if you don’t like the song, the video probably can’t make up for it. MTV allegedly still plays videos (though I have no idea when), but they’re more about Ozzy, the Simpson sisters, and pretty kids fighting over who ate their peanut butter. That ain’t working. I thought the way you do is you play your guitar on the MTV. Not any more, I guess.

But VH1 Classic is starting to fill the same role as oldies stations. If I want to watch good videos, I don’t need new videos. The people programming VH1 Classic know their audience, and in any given hour, you’re going to see one bona fide classic, or something you remember loving. Maybe one day there’ll be an indie movement in videos like there is in music, but maybe not. Until then, I’m happy to rehash the past. The present doesn’t even come close.

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