By Jake Jamieson

The Democratic National Convention is coming to Boston in late July, bringing high hopes for a regime change in Washington. Democrats around the country are preening, stretching and massaging their jaws as they prepare to descend on the Hub with their big promises and partisan breast-thumping. The influx of people, combined with road closings due to tight security, will make driving Boston’s roads a snarled cluster-fuck of congestion.

While most people from outside the Boston area might only know what they’ve read about the city, from midnight rides to shots heard ‘round the world, Boston drivers know it’s no tea party even when the city isn’t clogged with liberals. Tempers flare in the sweltering summer heat, so if you don’t know how to negotiate Boston’s streets you're in for an unpleasant experience.

In preparation for this huge event, Inversion has put together driving tips. Other sources offer traffic information or recommend you take the train, but we’re the only ones to tell you what you really need to know about driving in Boston.

Get an atlas, even though it will be mostly useless

While Boston’s buildings are full of history and pithy colonial charm, the streets are laid out with the kind of care and planning you might expect from a retarded pilgrim wearing a blindfold. Streets wrap around themselves and names change without warning. Whoever handed out street signs obviously ran out when they got to Boston. In fact, you’ll probably never know what street you’re actually on.

When you get close to your destination, you’ll probably find that every street you want to take will be a dead end or one-way in the wrong direction. As an added bonus, thanks to the Big Dig, downtown streets are in constant flux. The street that took you to the airport last week might now dead end, or detour to the aquarium.

On top of everything else, Boston drivers will be hugging your rear bumper if you slow down to anything less than 10 miles per hour above the speed limit. Out-of-state-plates also mark you as an easy target. We recommend that, before heading out to Massachusetts, you practice reading your atlas with one eye while driving at 45+ miles per hour as a loved one screams obscenities in your ear, just to get the hang of finding your way around.

Turn signals are for Republicans and Rhode Islanders

Don’t expect sympathy on Boston roads. And don’t give any. Think of driving in Boston like playing a game of Frogger--but instead of avoiding alligators the point is to jump through traffic from open spot to open spot without getting hit. The other cars are doing their damndest to keep you from merging into their lane, so you have to rely on surprise. Using a turn signal removes that element of surprise and lets other drivers know how to cut you off. It also reveals you're so not from Massachusetts.

Hone your cat-like reflexes

Boston is a city filled with people who have places to go and people to see. If you’re at a red light and it turns green, you have exactly 0.8 seconds to get your ass in gear. The instant this threshold is breached, Boston drivers lay on the horn, long and loud. If you’re the driver in front, keep your foot hovering over the gas pedal and don’t EVER break eye contact with the light. In small town streets and the grid-patterned avenues of other cities, you have time to gradually accelerate when the light turns green and glide a gentle stop when you arrive at a red. Leave that crap in Tulsa. In Beantown, you have to:

A) Stand on the gas, stomp on the brake

B)Gun your engine as soon as you get the green

C) Try to achieve maximum speed, even if you can see that the next stoplight is deep red.

D) Ten feet away from the red light, slam on your brakes with enough force to send all the Dunkin' Donuts coffee cups and Red Sox paraphernalia littering the floor of your car flying into the front seat. (Hint: Don’t know what Dunkin' Donuts is? Don’t admit it in public.)

E) Repeat.

Yeah? Well FAHK you too!

I defy you to drive from Point A to Point B in Boston without having someone give you the finger. I don’t care if you’re driving from the South Shore to the North Shore, or just whizzing down to Starbucks for pre-speech latté; somebody’s going to pull a Cheney on you. If you’re the sensitive type, tough. You can only avoid it by not driving. Actually, you might want to lock your hotel room door and huddle under the covers until it’s time to go home. Otherwise, just expect that somebody’s going to flip you the bird and call you something that sounds like “FAHK!” If it helps you sleep better, tell yourself FAHK stands for “Finally, All Hail Kerry,” and that the finger means he’s Number One!

Always Force the Left

You’re used to doing it in politics, so why not take it to the streets? This technique is also known as “pulling a Mass-hole,” and is one of the most important tricks in your repertoire if you want to fit in. Forcing the left is a quick and convenient way to make sure you can take a left turn at whim. How do you do it? When you are ready for a left turn, just pull your car slightly into the lane of oncoming traffic. Continue to nudge your way in until cars can no longer simply dodge around you but must stop. They’ll probably tell you to FAHK yourself, but all you have to do is let them know that Kerry is Number One, hit the gas and be on your way!

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