By Tom Gilmore

“First lady visits Maine to tell rally 'W stands for women'”
-- USA Today headline, 9/10/04

Two weeks later Bush appeared at a rally in Colorado and gave the following speech:

What the hell is so funny? You’re acting like a bunch of 5th graders. Keep this up and I’ll give you something to really laugh about. (Pause.) POOP. (The crowd belly roars. Bush shakes head, smiles, and waits for the laughter to subside.)

As soon as you get over your little laughing fit I want to talk about a few things. (He waits patiently, looks at ceiling, whistles a little.)

So, you’re asking yourselves, since when does “W” stand for “Women”? The simpler answer is, ever since my lawyer went to court and got it changed three weeks ago, that’s when. But the most complicated answer is that I’d been wanting to do this for a long time, a very long time. Ever since being small.

Dad and I always agreed that there was something about our names that called for, oh, something more delicate. I’ve always believed in being direct, so “Women” seemed liked the national choice. In a couple days dad will be getting his name changed from “Herbert Walker” to “Hispanic Women.” Again, it’s about being direct, honest.

You might be asking, “But George, some people thought your name already had a femaleness to it.” That’s just bull. “Bush” was never meant to refer to a woman’s privates though some of my critics seem to think so. It always referred to nature and green things. By putting “Women” in my name it should be obvious that a man like me would never want to have two lady things in his name. Think about it – why would a man want a name that was “George ‘Women’ Pussy”? No way. So now, it’s “George ‘Women’ Nature,” if you have a mind that thinks about connotations. It has nothing to do with ladies’ parts, got it?

If you’re wondering about another reason, well, there is a more profounder one. One is that I love Laura and I’m trying to get her to change her name to Laura “Men” Bush. I’m not pressuring her, she can do what she wants. All I’ve said is, “Laura, please, please think about it.” I love her with most of my heart so I partly did this for her in the way that a guy sometimes gives flowers to a girl.

Some are saying, “Then why did you make it plural?” Frankly because Laura is only one woman and I love others. Very soon my young daughters will become women. When they do I wanted to already have a place for them in my name. I also love my mom – not in the same way that I love my daughters and Laura – but it’s love. But there are other women deserving of my love. I was always fond of something Madonna said – “I fall in love all the time.” Something like that. Well, same here. (Looks at woman in front row.) Take you for instance. I wouldn’t say I love you yet, but I could see myself loving you before this speech is over. Something about your eyes and that ribbon in your hair. It makes me pause and think about beautiful things and how fast time passes us.

Which is basically what I’m talking about. I’m sure a lot of you have felt down before, felt like jumping off some bridge. Been there. Know what kept me from following through? Women. Those things with nice mouths, coupla boobs and wigglin’ behinds. At my lowest point I thought, “Damn, George, life is short and women are a reason to live.” What kept me going was knowing that when I was sad I just had to go out and meet a lady or, heck, just daydream about one. I love ‘em. I say this with the utmost respect, but I really love ‘em from behind. But “Women From Behind” just seemed a little too long to remember.

This is the reason I’m opposed to gay marriage. Think about that. If a guy wants to get with a guy, well, that’s his business. The United States isn’t like some oppressive country like Ohio where they frown upon that. But if a guy is going to marry another guy, what are the chances he’s going to fool around with women? Not high. So if I can at least stop them from living together the chances increase that they might go with women. When they do they won’t be marrying into their own anymore.

Look, if black women are your thing, OK. Chinese? Fine. White? Who can blame you, my favorite, too. It’s a big reason I changed my name to “Women” and not “Hispanic Women,” like dad, or to something else narrow-minded. Course, he could do more with his initials, but it happens that the Hispanic women do it for him. Probably has to do with living close to Mexico. My favorite food is Mexican, but I can take or leave salsa in bed. But he likes spice, just loves it. Anyhow, that’s why I picked “Women” and not a particular breed – I don’t want to divide people up.

Anyway, I like to think that things happen for a reason. Any questions? Good. Thank you and God bless.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------