By Tom Gilmore

January 9, 2105: Alaska finally completed work on its $315 million Bridge to Nowhere linking Ketchikan and Gravina Island. None of the 45 residents on Gravina Island expressed much interest in using the bridge, although it is longer than the Golden Gate Bridge. The mayor of Ketchikan reportedly shook his middle finger in the direction of California.

March 18: Traffic lights were removed from New York City, the last remaining U.S. city to use them. Conservatives hailed the move, saying 150 years of hard work had finally paid off in full. New York Governor Marty Bush said, “It’s about time government gets out of people’s lives for good. Every hard working American ought to be proud, and every New York resident will be happy to pay zero taxes. Zero, what a wonderful number. Think about that.” Marty Bush was also preparing for a big vacation in April, which marks the 100th year the Bush family has gone without a drink.

April 6: The United States of America celebrated its tenth anniversary of independence from China. A Chinese official cited crime, racism, and low literacy rates as reasons why the U.S. was better off under China’s thumb. Riley Gugger, Whitehouse spokesperson for the New and Improved United States, said that China never had our best interests in mind and that they were simply using us for our large supply of low-wage labor.

June 1: Fidel Castro and Kim Jong-Il both passed away. The U.S. announced that by the end of the week casinos will be open for business in Havana, and by the end of the month the trade embargo will be history. The Vatican, meanwhile, celebrated changes in North Korea saying it would be sending thousands of missionaries to Pyongyang by the end of the year. “It’s a blank slate,” said one excited archbishop. “They haven’t heard of Darwin or homosexuality!”

July 16: Starbucks closed its’ last store, the original Starbucks in Seattle, WA., blaming South American farmers who have been selling direct to consumer over the internet. “Sneaky little guys,” said Starbuck’s CEO.

August 27: Neutrogena unveiled the strongest sunscreen to hit the market, SPF 850. Elsewhere, in London a massive exhibit opened featuring coral reef. The exhibit will run for 6 months and is expected to draw 3 million curious people from all over the world. London’s beach-side hotels have been booked solid since 2102.

October 4: The last American troops left Iraq. They returned home on their own, without orders from Washington, claiming there were no more Iraqis. The President is reportedly upset by the show of independence from U.S troops. “He’s mad?” said 1st Lieutenant Craig Snyder, “What are we supposed to do, there’s nobody to shoot at! I’m sick and tired of swimming all day!”

October 20: Congress raised the minimum wage to $9.45 after a lengthy debate. Democrats praised the move and scolded Republicans for stalling on legislation they thought should have been pushed into law 6 months ago. Republicans argued that $9.45 will force many businesses into filing Chapter 11. “Then where will people work when there’s no place to work?” Asked Joel Bond (R, MA).

November 17: Evolution went on trial in California. Opponents of evolutionary theory made their case in a state court that Natural Formation should be taught alongside Darwinism. Natural Formationists maintain that the world was fashioned by God in such a seamless way that it only appears He didn’t have a hand in it. “He was so good at it,” said Lou Hart, a Natural Formationist, “that he left no trace. It’s beautiful architecture.” Natural Formationists also believe undiscovered planets exist in the solar system which are populated by lesser forms of life. They refer to these planets as “God’s Labs.”

November 21: Government officials in Los Angeles laid what will be the last ever star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. The star, ironically, will be for Hollywood itself. The final Hollywood studio closed for business in 2099 after 112 years of consistently dwindling audiences.

December 31: The Wal-Mart-Citigroup apple was once again lowered in New York’s Times Square in front of a record crowd of 1.5 billion people. “I could sort of see the skyline,” said one spectator, “but it’s really about the excitement, about being here. It’s really about looking forward to the next year, to the future.”

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