By Tom Gilmore

“I’d be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda kissin your neck from behind ... and then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing and I’d put it on your pussy.”

– Bill O’Reilly to former love interest and Fox News producer Andrea Mackris

“Grade 6 Up–Advice on issues that confront today's teenagers is given in a confident manner by the talk-show host. Factual information supports personal, no-nonsense guidance in navigating life's various challenges on the road to adulthood. Examples from the author's life further augment the points being made, illustrating both triumphs and mistakes, and their natural consequences. Content adequately covers relationships, sex, music, school, and philosophical reflections that will aid teenagers in developing their unique identities and value systems. Each of the … sections concludes with Instant Message-style remarks about wise behavior ("A Smart Operator is a kid who…") versus unwise behavior ("A Pinhead is a kid who…").”

– The School Library Journal on Bill O’Reilly’s first children's book, The O’Reilly Factor For Kids

In How to Bed a Cutie, Bill O’Reilly speaks to the kids from the heart …

On Bravery:

One of the first trials a little coming-of-ager goes through is the pain of sitting in a classroom with a ton of up-and-coming hotties. You’re expected to concentrate on arithmetic but how can you when you can’t take your eyes off tasty Heather’s premature boobs? Be brave about this from the beginning, don’t deny what you’re feeling. Ask her to meet you behind the dugout at 3:00 or, better yet, at the Mediterranean Cafe for some ‘Fatoosh.’

straight talk from the bestselling author!

On Courage:

If you’ve already taken my advice about courage and it didn’t go as planned – welcome to the world of chicks, pal. And get used to it. You might be thinking they’re little bitches now, but this doesn’t change with age. This is one of life’s toughest lessons. But this is where you can make a difference. You need to have courage. Bravery isn’t enough in today’s world. When she says “No,” ask again, or ask someone else, but make the little slut understand that you’re her key to enjoying her teenage years. Let her know that you might be 4’ ft 5” now but your little unit is already grown-up. Exaggerate the length if you think it will help. Don’t be discouraged. Remember, the opposite of discourage isn’t exactly courage, but it almost is. If she refuses to tell you when her parents get home from work, make sure she knows when yours will be away. The loneliness of her own bedroom will have the cock-tease begging for it sooner or later.

On Persistence:

Little man, you’re lucky to be living in these times. When I was younger all we had were notebook pages to scribble messages. We didn’t even have those handy post-it notes. But you have Instant Messenger, Text-Message, E-mail, Voice Message – right there alone are four ways into a ho’s panties. Use them! They are there for you! Change up your approach. For instance, never send three text-messages without breaking it up with an email or voice message. And, as I’m sure you already know being the wild tiger that you are, you can never IM too much. My research shows IM is the favorite modus operandi for little sweethearts. Use a lot of positive emoticons. That tends to be most effective. If things are going well ask her if she’d like to grab a ‘kebab with yogurt sauce ;) . It’s impossible to be too forward when using IM.

On Success:

If you’ve considered my advice up to this point, success is inevitable. But the road to success is frustrating. It can be paved with humiliation. It can even make you want to give up. But there is no way you will lose. The odds are against it. How many little cuties are in your classroom, how many are in your grade? Don’t get stuck thinking of the small picture. Think big. Think of the future. A smile in passing one day might be the seed that sprouts into one kinky-ass Saturday afternoon session. The question is, do you want it bad enough? Are you spending too much time on the wrong kind of geography homework? Budget your time. If you find yourself asking the question, “What will I ever use this for?” it’s probably because your teacher is wasting your time. You won’t need to know fractions after your schooling, but you will need to know advanced positions with little bitches. Now that’s something worth studying!

On Drugs:

Basically, don’t do them. They keep boys and men alike limp. Some say that pot turns them on – well, maybe, but it isn’t something you want to depend on because the results diminish over time. There’s nothing wrong with using a little alcohol – go on, get into her daddy’s liquor cabinet – but drugs are a different story. However, too many shots will affect your performance. Everyone is different but as a basic guide use no more than one toke of weed, and three shots of anything stashed in the house. Please see the section called Success for creative play with bottles.

On Long-Lasting Friendships:

They say that the sign of a healthy person are long-lasting relationships. Well, this is kind of wrong. Chances are you won’t be in touch with most of your friends after you leave for college. This goes for those hot cuties you bed as well. Don’t get caught up in guilt. These are valuable life lessons you’re learning. Break a heart and don’t be afraid to get yours broken. Just for heaven’s sake at least have some fun. Dorkface Losers try to turn a fling into a long-distance IM affair when they go away to college. A Real Cool Player Man has memories, stories, and some experience to guide him through the rough terrain of his twenties. Keep her panties as proof.

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