Countdown to the New Hampshire primary
A New Hampshire resident sizes up the Democrat candidates

W ith all the candidates wriggling up into my state over the last few days, I've been feeling more and more patriotic. There was a day last week when my patriotism dwindled because Johns Edwards' stupid "Bus of Hope" nearly ran me over, but I've recovered.

On Thursday, January 22, just a few days before the primary, I was feeling profoundly American. After putting in a 12-hour day at work and checking my email, I finally sat down on the couch to catch the final 45 minutes of the last debate before primary (because CSI was a repeat). Oh, and to top it all off I was eating leftover chicken. What’s more American than leftover meat? I didn't have any beer to go with it but my flavored water was patriotic enough, I guess.

So, anyway, here is my take on the candidates, in no particular order. Maybe I was a bit bitter that night because I spent the day installing phone jacks and that sucks. But I am an Army veteran and the very kind of blue-collar worker these candidates are fighting for; they want to hear my voice.

Dean: Is it me or does this guy belong under a bridge scaring small children? He looks like a troll, or a really tall midget, like his legs should be shorter than they are. Oh man, and his wife? Too bad he didn’t become a dentist so he could file down those chompers of hers. Hardly First Lady material. All everyone was doing was giving him shit about his big third-place rant in Iowa. So what!! The guy was all fired up, that was just his failed attempt at a motivational speech. When I heard his squeal of YEEEEAAAAHHH at the end, all I could think was “what a fucking dork.” Next year I can see a tattered Dean jumping out at people from dark alleys and yelling YEEEEAAAAHHHH then running back into the shadows. He’ll just end up being that guy who ran for president who we now call the “Night Squealer”.

But, you know what the worst part is? I heard they started calling Dean supporters "Deanie Babies." How fucking cute. I hate people. I will vote for Dean only if he promise to kill all the Deanie Babies.

Kucinich: More like Cuckoo-cinich. The more I see and hear this guy, the more convinced I am that he is really an alien trying to take over Earth. No wonder he supports illegal aliens' rights. I mean look at him, take a good look. His grayish skin tone, his oblong yet curiously beady eyes, and the hair... C’mon, that doesn’t even look remotely real! Plus, the fact that an unheated bus full of Kucinich hippies from California are camping out in Portsmouth rubs me the wrong way. AND ANOTHER THING… Just because they hang out on the sidewalk beating bongos doesn’t me we have to call them “percussionists.” I tap the steering wheel sometimes when I am driving. I guess that makes me a dirty hippy too. Just a hint, hippies: being Vegan is not American. Eating meat three meaty meals a day is. On top of all this Kucinich is SINGLE. A single president? I saw that Michael Douglas movie and it was horrible. No thanks, Dennis.

Sharpton: Well, Sharpton is and will always be “Big Al” to me. Always popping up in front of a camera wherever there is trouble, forever trying to replicate the “I have a dream speech.” This country has come a long way but there are still far too many wealthy and/or old white guys around this planet of ours for Al to have a chance. This country would elect the 7 Up guy before they elect a liberal, overweight, black reverend. At least the 7 Up guy has cool hair and soda.

Kerry: Man can this guy drone. Every time he starts talking my chin hits my chest. I am out cold, only to be startled awake by the cheering at the end of his response. What are they cheering at? That he stopped talking? I just can’t stay conscious long enough to hear what he has to say. I do give him the quote of the night when he described George W. Bush’s foreign policy as “arrogant and inept.” I almost stood up and started cheering and saluting in my living room. But then he spoke and I fell asleep again. All in all I have determined that Kerry has the personality of a stick.

Edwards: I’m sorry, but his lips are far too soft and pouty to be presidential. Oh, and his “Campaign of Hope?” Give me a break. The sooner we all realize there is no hope for mankind the better off we will all be. In a world where Ben Affleck can become rich and famous, there is no hope, for any of us. I just hope I don’t burn my lips on this coffee. That’s about all the hope I can muster.

Clark: By far the most presidential looking of all the candidates. When I see his shiny hair and gleaming smile I can almost see him on a coin in my pocket 20 years from now. Yep, the Clark $2.25 coin that we will all use to buy a Coke from a vending machine. Reports say he stumbled over some of the questions, but I couldn’t tell. I was hypnotized by his manly sheen. That is what really matters in the long run. Does he look good saying whatever it is he is trying to say but can’t quite get out? Oh yeah.

Lieberman: He looks as cartoonish as Dean. But in more of a Disney way. Like he's the eighth dwarf who was cut from Snow White because his name was Doofy and they already had a Dopey, so why double up on dumbasses? When he made some comment about putting his hand on the Bible I couldn’t help but chime in, “Only the Old Testament!” I guess we can assume that he won’t bomb anyone on the Sabbath day.

Alas. I think the reason why this race is still so close is that no one candidate has captured the hearts and minds of the people of NH. No single candidate has lit a fire under America’s ass and gotten people going. A lot of voters are still undecided, or, like me, they like different parts of what each candidate is saying but are not impressed with one candidate as a whole. I just hope the Bus of Hope doesn’t come around again.

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Shane Stornanti is an undecided musician, army veteran and phone and data technician. He reviews music for Inversion and writes occasional columns.

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