“Code Black”

(Note: The events you are about to read about are factual. Names and locations have been changed to protect the identities of the, ah, innocent.)

STONINGTON, R.I. -- Half a black dildo was discovered yesterday lying on the ground outside the main entrance to Town Hall.

Bill Russell, a reporter covering local government, noticed the severed sex toy in a patch of sand beside a wheel chair ramp.

Stunned, Russell returned to his office and told reporter Matt King about the find.

“Guess what's sitting there right outside Town Hall?” Russell said.

“What?” King asked.

“A black dildo.”

“No fucking way.”

“Dude, I'm telling you the truth.”

A few minutes later, Russell and King headed back to Town Hall to confirm the presence of said dildo.

They arrived outside Town Hall near the end of the day. The employee parking lot was mostly empty. Bathwater clouds covered the sky and the air smelled of rain.

At the ramp, they saw it, half of a hollow, black, rubber penis, about 4 inches long. Its head, coated with dirt, pointed north.

The reporters returned to their office. King, the cops reporter, called the police to inquire about official reaction to the potential civic disaster. What if a child should see it? he thought.

“A what?” yelled Deputy Chief Richard Santilli. “Matt, are you kidding me?”

“No,” King said.

King described the location of the toy. Santilli relayed it to Police Chief Vincent Ianucilli. Ianuccill called Town Hall. Minutes later, Mayor Paul Dexter’s secretary called King.

“It's gone. I threw it away,” she said.

“You what?” King said.

“I threw it away! It's been there for several days. I think everyone's been afraid to touch it.”

“How did it get there?”

“Yeah right, Matt. Like we know. It fell out of my car.”

“So, what? You threw it away?”

“Yeah. A bunch of girls came out with me because they didn't believe me. Someone said, 'Oh, it's a bike handlebar handle, you know, those things that slip over the end of a handlebar. I said, 'No, it's definitely a penis. It's got veins and everything.' ”

“Did the mayor see it?”

“NO! The mayor did not see it!”

The secretary hung up, laughing. The phone rang again. It was the deputy chief. He giggled.

“I'm calling about the Dildo Caper ...” he said.

Later in the evening, the police still did not know how the dildo arrived outside Town Hall or who it belonged to. A spokesman said the police were still investigating.

Reporters King and Russell decided to develop a protocol for dealing with similar crises in the future. They determined that an incident involving a dildo would be called a `Code Black.’ The men told the deputy chief, who agreed. All three said they hoped use of the term would protect them from sexual harrasment suits.

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